Loving the Unloveable Child
Undoing Adultism and Centering the Child
This is the fourth article in a series on approaching challenging behaviours through a Montessori lens. Read my first article here, second here, and third here. In the first article, I told the story of Ali, a student whose behaviours had earned him the label ‘bad kid’ in our middle school program. In the second article, I talked about the typical educational approach to behaviour - labeling and the quick fix (i.e. rewards and punishments.) And in the third article I talked about some key child-centered practices for approaching behavior and discipline. In this article, we explore some more key practices to bring about this cultural shift.
A Quick Recap
“All we really need to do is change our fundamental attitude towards the child, and love him with a love which has faith in his personality and goodness; which sees not his faults but his virtues.”
Maria Montessori, “Disarmament in Education”
In my previous articles, I examined the ways in which mainstream education is rooted in adultism, which Dr. Montessori described as “a war, the victims of which are primarily, but not exclusively, the children... The war is between the strong and the weak; between those who have power and those who do not.” This adultism is evident in the rewards-and-punishments systems used in schools, the adult-centered teaching structures, rigid curriculums, and the inability of schools to accommodate diverse learners.
Adultism is rooted in a fear and mistrust of the other - a lack of belief in the ability and independence of our children. This mistrust is particularly strong toward teenagers, who many adults associate with chaos, violence, and rebellion. It is this fear, this need to maintain control and reinforce the adult/child power dynamic, that obscures our view of the situation and prevents us from imagining a different way of being. It is this fear that keeps our education system stuck in the past.
In these articles, I’ve proposed a series of child-centered principles and practices that can guide a community toward a more liberatory model of education. Last time, I discussed the importance of using a Language of Reverence as a school, fostering a culture of joy, and finding time for connection.
Observation
Observation is a cornerstone of Montessori education. As I explain in a previous article for The Montessori Letters:
We don’t have teachers in Montessori classrooms - we have guides - and the role of the guide is to observe the children in an environment intentionally prepared to meet their needs at each stage of their development, and to work out how to support the conditions for optimal development at each stage. The child does not rely on the adult for this optimal development, these tendencies are inherent. Instead the adult, through observation, should look to remove any obstacles that may exist in the path of optimal development and adjust the environment accordingly.
When working with key children—those who are struggling in your classroom—observation is an essential tool for discovering how to unlock the environment for that child. This process can take time. Donna Bryant Goertz says that it is only after six weeks of observation that the teacher knows what first step can be taken most easily. During this period, you are observing for interest and passion, for ways to connect the child to the work of the community, or observing for what Ross Greene would call the “unmet needs” of that child. Again, this is a shift in how we look at the adult/child dynamic - we seek not to correct the faults of the child, but consider how their needs are not being met by the guide and the environment.
A simple observation exercise from Montessori consultant Cato Hanrath can help shift your perspective on a key child. This practical approach encourages you to focus not on the child’s faults but on their virtues.
Work is the Normalizing Force
Many of my previous points focused on culture-setting and shifting your mindset about children. However, in terms of practical steps to help a child normalize and to address behavior, the primary goal for every teacher should be connecting the child to purposeful work.
As I mentioned earlier, we observe to find the keys that will unlock work for the child in our environment. Instead of quick fixes, in Montessori we recognize that children normalize through work freely chosen.
“If a teacher respects the freedom of the child and has faith in him, if she has will enough to forget all she has learned, if she is modest enough not to consider her intervention essential, if she waits patiently, then she will see a complete change in him…He is agitated until he seeks something within the depth of his mind that he has not yet found for himself…[H]e must concentrate and consecrate his entire being, and at the same time he must be free from everything that goes on around him. This is what we call the great work.”
Maria Montessori, The Child in the Family
Our goal as educators is not to control behavior but to connect children to purposeful work that meets their intellectual, social, and emotional needs. We are always searching for the key that will allow a child to concentrate and engage deeply with their environment. That will connect them to their own sense of purpose and self-worth. While we cannot unlock the door for them, we can help them find the key.
For Ali, this key was his sneaker business. For another child, it might be washing tables or preparing snacks for others. It could be caring for the class pet. Our job as guides is to wait patiently, observe, listen, be attentive, and give regular presentations until we discover that key—until the child connects with the environment, with others, and with their own positive self-development.
Having Faith & Giving the Gift of Time
Perhaps the hardest part of this process is giving it time in a culture that demands quick fixes. Education is too often rooted in a false sense of urgency and scarcity. Even if you have faith in the process, how do you create the space and structure for this to unfold without overwhelming yourself or your learning community?
Donna Bryant Goertz speaks to this challenge:
“Sooner or later passion will lead to concentration. This is how children manage to overcome the deviations that have occurred in their development when their environment has clashed with their authentic needs. Whereas during the primary years, ages three to six, this process usually takes only a year, or less, at the elementary level it can sometimes take as long as 2-3 years. Long patience, determined respect, creative resourcefulness, and strong faith are necessary attributes in the elementary teacher who would welcome variety in the community.”
This difficult first period where the child seems at war with the environment can last six weeks, a term, or a year, but eventually they will discover their passion which will lead to concentration and ultimately healing and growth. Knowing this can sustain us through the difficult times.
Goertz recounts the story of Herzog, a particularly disruptive child. Initially, Herzog screamed, swept materials off shelves, and refused to engage with the community. But eventually, he discovers a passion for spiders. Over time, he becomes the classroom advocate for spiders, protecting them and showing others how to care for them. As the guide, she supports and fosters this interest, until Herzog starts to see himself as the classroom expert on spiders, eventually generating a project and presentation on them that connects him to the work of the community and makes him feel valued.
A similar respect for time has to be afforded to your environment as a whole. If you have a large proportion of children who haven't had Montessori 3-6, it will take them more time to normalize. If you are a new teacher, it will take you 2-3 years to normalize. You have to have to keep the faith and the long view in mind.
Advocating for the Rights of the Child
How do you create the space that you, the community, and the child need for this process to unfold when faced with pressure from families and administrators?
“We can reclaim a healthy relationship with time by stating immediately and forthrightly that in our schools and homes the children will be given time.”
Donna Bryant Goertz, Children Who Are Not Yet Peaceful
This advocacy is critical. We must clearly communicate to families and administrators how Montessori works—how time is afforded to children to develop at their own pace.
We fully expect different rates of development and different rates of skills acquisition. We expect some children to take longer to learn to read - until 8 or 9 - and we do not panic and throw our method out of the window just because of what the traditional culture of education tells us. Some children also take longer than others to become socially or behaviorally integrated. A few children take 2-3 years to develop self-discipline and learn to self-regulate. We have to give them this space and time to tackle these issues themselves. We cannot wrest the keys from them.
But this is unorthodox, and parents have to be consistently informed and assured of this process through intake materials, parent evenings, reading groups, and conferences. We have to constantly bang the drum of time and patience.
Final Thoughts
In the face of a fast-paced, result-oriented culture, embracing the Montessori approach means committing to patience, observation, and a deep faith in the child’s natural development. It requires us to reject quick fixes and allow the time necessary for each child to discover their passion and purpose. As educators, our role is not to control or correct, but to create the conditions where children can thrive, unlocking their potential through meaningful work and a supportive environment.
By shifting our fundamental attitudes and advocating for the rights of the child, we lay the foundation for a more humane and liberatory model of education—one that respects the child’s pace, honors their individuality, and empowers them to develop into confident, purposeful members of the community. In doing so, we move closer to fulfilling Dr. Montessori’s vision of an education that fosters not just academic success, but a deep and lasting peace within each child.
Next time, a few more key practices and resources…